If you own a cat, you probably know how helpful they can be around the house. You probably also know how much their poop can stink.
My cat's a pretty decent hunter, for an indoor pussy-cat. He kills bugs for me. Tonight, a big roach came walking across the tile out of nowhere because I have yet to weatherstrip my back door. I called to the cat, and told him to "GET IT!" and he just sprung into action. Of course, he took his time murdering it. In fact, as I write this, I have no visual proof that the thing is dead. I have to go check. But I'm lazy, and scared. He took it and ran down the dark hallway to do the murdering. He's like a tiny serial killer, with his own special routine and everything.
He also keeps me from leaving important little items around in the open. I know that he'd just show me a lesson by taking the things away into the ether. Thanks to him, I keep things that I care about hidden. I also wonder why my cat has access to the Victorian-era drug ether, and why he would put my things into that ether, but that's neither here nor there.
He keeps the dog entertained. He springs into action and grabs onto Hurley's fur, and sometimes I see little slivers of cat-claws in Hurley's coat. He hides under a blanket and startles the dog as he walks past. Hurley has a big smile on his face all the time and pounces on him whenever he feels like it. All this dog-on-cat, cat-on-dog action means I have less work to do when it comes to keeping them occupied and out of trouble. They're no longer demanding I read them fairy tales and drive them to pet-soccer practices. It's such a weight off my wide shoulders.
And finally, the cat keeps evil trolls from killing me in my sleep. Before I had a cat, I was pretty much under constant attack from the evil trolls. It was always wake up, smack them off my bed, throw the magic packet of kill-powder and then sweep up the mess in the morning. Yadda yadda. Now, the cat just rips the trolls limb from limb, and all I need to worry about is a little noise as he does the troll murdering. Problem solved with earplugs.
Cats do a lot of murdering.
The tradeoff in having your own personal lil' murderer is the fact that they shit in a box in your house. I'm fortunate, because my cat isn't as stinky as some other cats out there, but whew... if you smell that foul odor, you KNOW you're smelling cat shit. No doubt in your mind. It's awful. I think they have intense-smelling colon excretions because they eat things like dead bugs, dead trolls and in the case of my cat, dog hair. When I smell my cat's feces I feel like I'm gonna swoon, like an old-timey broad. A terrible scenario would involve one of those evil trolls climbing up on my bed as I sleep to deposit a little cat-shit on my pillow, as a joke. So, I hope that my cat acts fast and murders any and all trolls without hesitation, always.
Because when you stop to think before murdering an evil troll, that's when the troll has a chance to murder YOU.
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This message has been brought to you by a first-time cat owner with what the court-ordered social worker calls "issues." Thank you.
