HIKE HO, HIKE HO. IT'S OFF TO SWEAT I GO.
You know what I think about you? I think you're going about your life assuming that the summers in Arizona are "dry." You've heard the phrase "dry heat" and figured that the high temperatures of Arizona are somehow more tolerable because they occur during dry conditions.

If I were an educated lady, I might be able to say "this is true." But since I am just a step above common carnival trash and cannot read or write (I have monkeys who type for me, because I'm really rich and everything, too), I'll tell you I have no idea if it's scientifically considered a dry (or moist) heat. The one thing I do know without a doubt is that it feels hot and my face is constantly dripping with some kind of salty, clear water. My hair, long and billowing in the wind for photographs, tends to stick to my scalp and make me look like an ordinary schlump. The summer is not kind to me, my face, my hair or my inner folds, for that matter... it's a mess that's better off left undiscussed. So let's move on.

Summer is almost over here in Arizona. Well, according to the calendar, anyway. In truth it won't be cooler out for about another month or so. We hit a record high temperature last week: 322 degrees Fahrenheit! Can you believe that? (I hope you can't believe that, because it's not true. It really hit 117 degrees.) I'm tired of the high electric bills and my own sluggish nature, which I like to blame on The Heat. "It's too hot outside to do anything," I whine. "I better have a donut and take a nap." Waaaaah. (I'm such a jerk, right?)

Here's a list of things I am excited for once AUTUMN arrives in the Valley of the Sun:

* Cooler evenings
* Cooler days

It's going to be shit-kicking incredible, as you can see.

I plan to go hiking again once it's not so hot my face slides off my skull within three minutes of leaving an air conditioned space. I'll go to South Mountain, and do my usual hike, which I lovingly refer to as "The Hike Under the Power Lines." I'll also go to Piestewa Peak, which is where my finest hour occurred two years ago: I hiked too soon after eating Streets of New York pizza and a salad, and the aluminum water bottle made my water very warm, and I threw the fuck up all over the trail on the way down. That was a wonderful time. Especially because a hot guy and his adorable, rescued pit bull happened to be coming down the trail behind me, and he saw the whole thing... and insisted on walking me down to the parking lot the rest of the way. I had puke on my pants, in my hair, all over my iPod and earbuds, my sneakers... I was incredibly attractive at that moment, to say the least. This guy was so overcome by my natural beauty, saying he admired a girl who had the confidence to vomit in public like that, that we had sex right there in the parking lot once we got back to my car. He's my husband now, and we have an adorable child.

There is a part in the story above where the lying part of me took over again. Bet you can't guess where it came in! Come on, take a guess. That's right-- our child is far from adorable. It's a little fucking Sasquatch baby that eats dirt, and we are very ashamed of our loin-fruit.

ANYWAY. Hiking here in the valley is a strange undertaking. It's not like hiking in a place with trees or something. In fact, hiking in the valley's pretty much straight-up torture. There's no shade, it's hot as fuck even in the winter, snakes could come out and murder you, you could get stung by Africanized bees or get stuck helping an out-of-town tourist who thought it was a great idea to hike up a mountain in platform sandals and not bring any water. Everyone knows this hiking is torture, too, so you'll often see some gimps slinking along the trails in their pleather slave outfits; more often than not, the masochists can only be spotted by the ball gags... they dress like you or I, really.

I'm excited to get back out there and see "what's what." Maybe by then my camera will be functional again, and I'll be able to share some photos of what I find out there. So, stick around. You won't want to miss my amazing photos of barrel cacti and sandy dirt.