ICON-ME

Here's an icon that my friend Dot made for me. Something about it makes me laugh a lot.

I look neat and angular, when in real life I am supremely messy and lumpy.

So last night, I had a dream that we were renting office space out to the Jonas Brothers. My company decided to give them an office and a couple of cubes. I don't know who each of those Jonas Brothers guys are, but one with a 'fro was sitting on the floor by the water cooler, sorting through a stack of vinyl LPs and getting in everyone's way. At one point, there was a visitor to our office and they were like, "Oh my God, are those a couple of Jonas Brothers?" and I answered, "Yeah. They rent space here." I don't remember what happened after that. I just know that no one in my office was phased by their bizarre popularity, and in fact, no one really knew what they were even famous for.

A current annoyance of mine is the cigarette-lighter AC power adapter in my car. I'm talking about the one I plug in and then connect to my mp3 player so I can keep it charged. Well, the cord is starting to frag out because of overuse, I guess. I'm not getting a steady charge to my player, and this is no good because I lost the wall power unit, so the car is the only way I can charge it at the moment. I want to buy a replacement power adapter but they cost way too much. The cheapest I've seen is about $15, and for some reason the idea of paying $15 for one of those things just offends my sensibilities. I'm thinking of hitting up the dollar stores to see if they have them there. Dollar-store car power adapters = bad idea? Eh, whatever. Who cares.

This blog is quite exciting. I should tell you all about the car that slowed down in front of the house yesterday, and the 100 year odl grandmother who was shoved out of the car, where she rolled to a stop against the curb. You'd love to hear about how she was whining and hollering out there in the hot sun, saying something about her "broken hip" and how "hot" the pavement was. In fact, you might thrill to hear how about how I dragged her under a tree and fed her poison berries to hasten her exit from this world... but really, is this the sort of thing you really want to hear about? You don't come here for excitement, after all.

You come here for this:

(Just some picture of a very sad sandwich that I found someplace.)

PORTIA AND ELLEN

Yay! One of my favorite celebrity couples just got married! They're so cute together. They're always smiling. Smiles are just the coolest.

I wish Ellen (who will always be on my favorites list thanks to the underappreciated hilarity of Mr. Wrong) and Portia (LINDSAY BLUTH for Christ's sake!!) a happy marriage with lots of dogs and fun. :)

AUGUST IS GLOOP

I'm not dead, I have just been busy and not blogging as a result. It's not you...it's me.

I went to Chicago for work last week and it was so very lovely. I liked imagining them filming The Dark Knight there. We had great, cool weather and the hotel was very nice. I met lots of decent professional-type-motherfuckahs who can help me in my job, and learned many new and exciting things. I took notes. Lots of notes.

The last night there, they took us on a dinner cruise on Lake Michigan. What a nice time it was, too... drinks out on the deck as we slowly cruised past the skyline during sunset; and then a fancy sit-down dinner inside a beautiful cabin with a live piano player providing ambience that made me mellow out and smile more than I expected to smile than night. I slowly drank a glass of wine and snapped picture after picture of the ever-changing scenery. Sunset is the best time for photos, and minute by minute the look of things transforms...I thoroughly appreciated the simplicity and beauty of that.

Here are a few photos from my trip. There are more on my Flickr page, linked over there on the right side of this page. But here are some of my favorites:






BY the way, I admit to wanting to find a Crowley's bar while I was there, because I am really enamored of that show My Boys. I want to hang out with that gang of friends quite a bit. Almost as much as I want to hang out with Mac, Dennis, Dee and Charlie...but at least the My Boys people wouldn't steal my wallet or kick me down any stairs!
Awww look, it's Sweet Dee and D.B.*!
(*Dumpster Baby)

IT'S NEWS TO ME



Each and every day, our world is slapped hard in the face with the strong and clammy hand of the NEWS.

And I'm going to write about some recent stories that have interested me enough to click beyond the initial headline to find out what's behind it; I wanted to know the full scoop, if you will. Allow me to begin with Monday Movie Buzz: Bale's Batman Voice Too Much?

I loved Batman Begins and the Dark Knight, but I did always feel like giggling a little over that raspy, deep voice. So it's nice to know that it's not just me. Other people noticed it, too, and thought it was distracting. It sounded like someone replaced Batman's tonsils with shale. Ha ha, Christian Shale! I like it. Anyway, since these are great films on their own, the fact that this one laughable aspect is even there sullies the experience, and they need to fix it. I'm serious, Christopher Nolan. Get your ass back in the editing studio and do some new mixing. Do it for the children, at least.

Next topic: Highest Traces of Cocaine Found on U.S. Bills
This was surprising, since I figured by now a forward-thinking, progressive country like ours would have developed some new technology for snorting blow. I'll be the first to admit I'm not quite down with coke culture, so I don't know what the latest trends are, but I can't be alone in thinking that special straws have been created just for this purpose. We have incredibly advanced cell phones, so why not nasal accoutrements for the coke-abusing hipster? I'm picturing flashy colored straws made of space-age titanium for the hard-core user... disposable paper straws with pop culture characters like Hannah Montana and Spiderman for the youngsters... straws made to look like olde-tymey phonograph cones for the classy weirdo... You mean to tell me this isn't going on? So people here in the United States are still just rolling dollar bills for this purpose? Also, I feel the science shouldn't have been so concerned with just the cocaine-residue they were finding-- remember where the one end of the bill is inserted. Shouldn't we be more terrified and concerned with what nasal secretions are left on the edges of our dollar bills? Gah! I know I'm not going to handle cash today with the same devil-may-care attitude I always have, now that I'm thinking of THAT.

Thirdly: Fla. Man Dials 911, Complains Sub Has No Sauce
Who among us has not thrown a fit when our sub sandwiches are not prepared properly? I challenge you to point me to one person who has not flipped their proverbial lid when mayo was smeared on bread even though it was clearly noted in the instructions that no mayo should be added to that particular sandwich concoction; or pickles were left off and they only noticed it once they got home and unwrapped the paper? Yeah, it's true that we all suffer this indignation a few times too many in life. But to call THE POLICE (not the band, although that would be funny, too) to complain is taking it a little too far. This guy not only called 911 once to report the condiment crime, but he called a second time when the police didn't respond quickly enough! He wasn't screwing around, he wanted his effin' sauce, god damn it! Even though it's funny, I admit I kind of admire his dedication to a decent sandwich. Personally, my subs require extra vinegar, all the time. Many sub shop workers don't interpret that correctly, and assume two fast splashes of red wine vinegar as opposed to the "normal" one splash equates "extra" vinegar. I always have to say, "Just a little more. A little more. Yeah...um, can you put it on the bread, too?" Sometimes, if I am in a hurry or at a shop where they prepare the sub behind a counter and not right behind plexiglass in front of me, I can't monitor the vinegar application and have to settle for some sub-maker jackass' interpretation of the "Extra Vinegar" order later on. That's why I always have a bottle of red wine vinegar at home, ready to supplement any sub in an emergency. If I'm out at a restaurant, I often return to the counter and ask for a small container of extra vinegar, and give them the stink-eye as they hand it to me, because shit, dude: you should have believed me when I said I wanted the extra vinegar when I ordered. Now you have to fill a little cup with vinegar for me. Stupid idiot sub shop worker.

Anyway, now I am wondering if we should develop a government department equipped to handle sandwich emergencies like this. Because we can't abuse 911 like this. But what if we had, say, 822, and that would connect you to the Sandwich Police Squad and they would triangulate your position and dispatch a truck filled with the sandwich fundamentals and a team of trained ESTs (emergency sandwich technicians, of course) could quickly and efficiently correct sandwich errors and omissions? If more advanced reconstructive work was necessary-- like if they gave you tuna salad when you wanted dry turkey, thereby ruining the bread itself-- they could take you and your sandwich back to the store and force them to perform emergency sandwich surgery before you became any more famished. I bet we could save so many people from aggravation and prolonged hunger in this country if we were to re-allocate some tax money so we could do this.

There's one common string that connects all three of these stories together, and it's this: We live in the United States of Fuckin' America, people. Let's get out of Iraq! And let's use that money MUCH more judiciously:

1) Allocate money to correct Christian Shale's voice as Batman before more people are harmed by the distraction;
2) Fund industry that will help create new and advanced blow straws so that our currency can stay where it belongs...in our hands and wallets... and out of the nostrils of disease-riddled junkies; and
3) Create the Sandwich Police Squad, ASAP. And, much like a good garlic-mayo sauce, spread the word. Together we can defeat the scourge of crappy sandwiches.

I have to go. I am getting severe cramps from all this news.