At random:

* RENO 911 on Comedy Central is so awesome, I almost choke on my own tongue just thinking about it. Last night the splendid cops on this show went and assaulted a guy in a big yellow beverage costume, while yelling: "Who's laughing NOW, Milkshake?!" and punching the guy. For some reason, this is MY KIND OF COMEDY. I have to put that all in caps because I can't stress this enough: I love the 'beating-up-people-in-puffy-costumes' humor. Sorry, Trish AKA Chuck E. Cheese. [Other great examples: "Mallrats"-- scene with the Easter Bunny getting beat up; "Encino Man"-- scene at the theme park where Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser keep running up and smacking the guy in the panda suit and running away; "Nine Months" -- Tom Arnold and Hugh Grant assaulting a guy in a dinosaur suit.]

* It's cool that dogs and cats give you an audible warning before they vomit. You know what I mean-- that sort of deep, grumbling gulp-noise they make? If people could do that, we would be able to get out of the way and not get puked on. Oftentimes, humans don't give any warning; they just spew where they stand. Why the surprise factor?

* Why do credit card companies always include that little flap on the envelope that says you can get these "Free Gifts!" if you send just shipping and handling? And why is this stuff always such shit? Like a cheap-ass faux-leather day organizer, or a collapsable umbrella? My favorites are always the alarm clocks and/or AM/FM radios that you know would only work for about 4 hours before they melted from the electricity going through their sub-par wirings and casings. Does anyone actually order this "free" crap? Or, even worse, order it and then actually give it as a gift, as the credit card company has suggested? If I ever got one of these "gifts" I would pull a big ole' wad of spit up from the back of my throat, and spray down the 'gift'-barer, and then rabbit punch 'em in the eye. Oh hey, what will a "free gift" get ya? Spit upon and a rabbit punch! Not a good trade!

* I don't like to eat runny eggs. Or quiche. Or Jell-O. Anything that can be described as "quivering."

* Speaking of spitting, why can't women spit very well? I have rarely seen a woman who can really hock one up. Yet guys do it all the time. True story-- one time I was driving home from a day at college, and I had a bad headcold. I coughed and I had some phlegm. Ewwww! I had to get it out of my mouth, obviously, but I was driving, and I was out of tissues. So, I did what I had to do. I rolled the window down as far as I could, and when I thought no other drivers were looking, I pulled back and spit as hard as I could.
And, I guess I didn't get enough propulsion behind it, because I ended up with phlegmy spit all over the back window and dripped down my door for the rest of the ride. What an unimaginable breed of spazz.

* I don't know why I share this stuff. Somebody needs to get me my meds.