I should write about cold sores more often. There’s been a lot to say on the subject, apparently! Well, since I know anyone who reads this shitheap of a blog is just DYING for an update on my mouth herpes, here it is:
It’s a little better today.
Now that I got that out of the way, I can get down to business. Today’s business? It’s a little list of Things That Have Not Happened to Me This Week.
The concept’s simple: I sit here -- slouching with my eyes glazed over and mouth slack, of course -- and think about all the things that did happen to me this week, and then cross them off the list. (I’m using pen and paper just to keep it all organized.) If I did something like, say, cross a street safely (which I DID do!) then that means I DON’T include that one on this list of never-dids, never-happeneds. Instead, I would include something that would be the opposite of that thing. Which is just about anything that is NOT the thing I did. Get it?
THINGS THAT HAVE NOT HAPPENED TO ME:
• I have not passed the Presidential Physical Fitness Exam.
• No one kicked me. (Not even in my throat.)
• I have not eaten a whole thing of beef jerky.
• I have not fashioned clothes out of beef jerky. Especially not a pair of underwear.
• I didn’t neuter a moose. Not even one lousy moose.
• I haven’t broken eggs on my head.
• I haven’t been hit by a speeding taxi.
• I haven’t learn to speak Spanish using Rosetta Stone™ software.
• I didn’t get to shake hands with John Goodman.
• I didn’t see the Hannah Montana movie.
• I didn’t bake my old socks into a pie.
• I haven’t peed on anyone or any animal.
• I haven’t gotten fired.
• I haven’t been sued. (Although it could be any time now that they notice what I did...)
• I didn’t get to go to any circuses or traveling carnivals.
• I didn’t blow up my own car just to see if I could do it.
• I didn’t sleep with your Mom. Or anyone in your family, for that matter.
• No one offered to give me their baby.
The list is much, much longer, but I only have so much time to spare. I have to go and do some things so that they happen to me. 'Tis true, I am living a dull life. This list makes it official.
9 comments:
So I think you should consider writing a report on cold sores. I'm sure you could do amazing things in the field of cold sore education and I for one would be beyond thrilled to read about such things!
Pertaining to things you didn't do today, I have one for you to add to your list: you didn't mistakenly read the website address expatsexchange.com as Expat Sex Change instead of Expats Exchange. Better get on top of that one!
Damn it, I just DID it! I did read it as Expat Sex Exchange. Oh well, tomorrow's another day to not do things.
Hmm, a cold sore report. The idea oozes with possibility. It's herptastic!
Good thing your list is for THIS week. Last week I saw you fling a dixie-cup full of pee at a pidgeon in your yard.
Let's keep it clean this week, Lisa.
LMAO!
Uh... my word verification is "sseux" is that some kind of Dr. Seuss sex?
Have you ever had a sex change? That wasn't in your list and now I am little scared you actually may be Lonnie for real and not Lisa.
Isn't it funny how you can write a blog and no one comments and then one day you write about something like a cold sore and you get like 90 hits on your blog and a bunch of comments? I guess blogs are unpredictable.
You know what's crazy? I didn't do any of that stuff either. Weird.
Also, I did not get the mouth herpes. Or the other kind!
Trish - You couldn't have seen me fling that pee; it was dark out!
Shades - Watch that ass. If you laugh it off all the way, you won't be able to enjoy any Seuss Sex. (Don't ask me, I don't know what I am talking about, either!)
Naynay - It's true, I had a sex change. But that was on Tuesday, and yesterday I had it switched back. I didn't like the feel of having balls. Too swingy.
Fraulein - Good for you, not getting the mouth herpes or any hot sores. I'm proud of you. It's a pretty big accomplishment if you think about it. Wow! You deserve one of those big red ribbons: "I'M CLEAN!" Because the world should know.
I love, love, love it when anyone references the Presidential Physical Fitness Exam. My favorite was the "bent arm hang" they made girls do instead of pull-ups. I lasted maybe .45 seconds doing that one.
True story: In my 4th grade PE class, we were doing the sit up portion of the test, where you do as many sit ups as possible in 60 seconds. My friend Gigi was my partner and holding my feet down, and I farted right in her face. The whole class heard it. Embarrassing!
Now that I've written this story here, I have a feeling I already told it once on my blog, back in the days (2 years ago) when I used to actually update my blog. Sigh.
"shitheap of a blog" - I am so using that one!
And your response to Shades had me LMAO so I guess no Suess sex for me either.
I have done three things on your list. I leave you to decide which three.
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