I'm going to be 8x4 next week. Aging is definitely a funky thing. I am amazed at how differently the passage of time feels now than when I was younger than 20. Once I hit 20, everything sped up. Either way, I need to come up with some potential birthday presents that I might want.
Here are some things I want for my birthday:
* Big old fishtank, covered in algae
* Pieces of tires found on the freeway
* Chandelier decorated with sweaty jockstraps
* A surprise buzzcut
* Framed close-up picture of Nicolas Cage's hairline
* Poo candy
* A pet otter with horrible flatulence
* Tongue-pulling (with tongs)
* Gift certificate good for one free dingo at Dave's Dingo Farm and Dildo Shop (dildos not included with dingos).
* Wooden underpants lined with cactus quills
* A couple of bags of old bananas, since I love them so much.
Sorry if I seem a little greedy or materialistic there. But birthdays only come around once a year, and I figure it can't hurt to just put it all out there, as they say, to see what I end up getting.
Oh, yeah. That list up there? It's not actually a list of things I want. It's a list of things I DON'T want. I hope I didn't get you all excited, since you'd already purchased me something from that list. If you did, go put whatever it is in the driveway and run it over with your car. Or just cancel the appointment or the rental of the electric shaver; whatever is applicable.
Thanks for thinking of me, though! I don't care what anyone else says or what the police report reads... you're sweet.
5 comments:
8x4 ... you know I had to pause and do the math, right?
I don't know if I can get anything but store credit for this Nic Cage picture...
I heard that Jimmy's Dingo Farm and Dildo Shop also accept coupons from other Dingo Farms and Dildo shops and they DO include dildos with their dingos, so I recommend going there. Sometimes they try to bait and switch though, so instead of a dingo and a dildo they try to stick you with a coyote and a big cucumber. Fuckers.
Listen, here's the thing-I went ahead and got you an old-fashioned diving helmet covered in algae. I had carefully planned this out, and now you're saying a FISH TANK? I tell you woman, you need to make up your mind when it comes to this stuff. Algae doesn't just grow in bacteria infested waters, you know. Oh wait, it does?
Fuck.
I didn't have to think about 8X4 was but at first I thought you were talking as if you were a piece of wood or something (i.e. 2 BY 4) Weird.....
I am glad you said not to get you those things on the list. I saw a bitchin' dingo shaped dildo in the store the other day and thought "who can use this?". I thought of you but since you don't want it, I will buy it for myself.
Hapy 8x4! I think you would look great in a buzzcut! But only a surprise one. Because buzzcuts only look good with a shocked look on your face. Trust me.
(PS: I will get around to the meme tag soon!)
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