FISH PEDICURES?! UM, NO.

If there's one thing I'm sure of in my life, it's that I would never, ever get a fish pedicure. There are a lot of other things I wouldn't subject myself to as well, like working the kill floor in a slaughterhouse, swimming with sharks, elective eye surgery, or eating anything that Andrew Zimmern eats on Bizarre Foods... but fish hold a special place in my soul. They're the creatures on this planet that I am the MOST afraid of. It's called icthyphobia. I don't like fish. Period.

I was horrified when I got to work this morning, and like any other day, I turned my computer on and scanned the local news site as usual for any interesting headlines. Normally I end up clicking on whatever sensational headline they throw at me-- and lately, it's been BAD stuff too, like babies drowning and dead bodies found behind someone's house-- and after a minute or two, I'm done and I can move on to other stuff. Today, however, my eyes stopped and bugged out when I saw this headline: "Fish pedicures: Carp rid human feet of scaly skin."

Oh. My. HELL.

Here's the story.

Unbelievable! So let me get this straight: people will pay--MONEY, precious money they earned working hard for a living-- to stick their bare feet into a tank of warm water and let 100 or so tiny carp chew the dead skin off of their feet? Really? Why?! Does this seem absolutely and utterly insane to anyone else, or is it just me and my fear of fish, blowing this out of proportion? Because, EWWWW... I could not in a million years willingly do this. And I have calluses, don't get me wrong. Ironically, this morning as I was taking care of my feet after my shower I was thinking about how I have no desire to go for a professional pedicure because I've got inherited 'issues' with my feet (ingrown nails, callus problems, yuck) and can't imagine letting some stranger wielding a razor go near my sensitive toes. I can't stand manicures for the same reason, although I've got very healthy nails; I just don't want someone pushing and cutting cuticles and all of that. Leave them ALONE. They grow there for a reason, people. I get compliments on how strong and healthy my NATURAL nails are from women who subject themselves to the torture of manicures, and I just want to slap their foreheads and say, "Duh, I don't get manicures or rip off my cuticles, ya big dummy....THAT'S why they look this way!" I know I'm in the minority here since so MANY of my friends like manicures and even (shudder) pedicures, and that's fine, because different strokes for different folks, right? I think so. THAT'S what I'm talkin' bout, Willis.

Where was I? Oh, yeah. Fish pedicures.

Even typing that phrase makes me actually shudder. Hairs are standing up on my arms right now!

The article says that these little carp have no teeth, and they will eat anything in the tank that they can...and that means the dead, flaking skin on FEET in this case. They say that because the fish have no teeth, they can't eat the healthy skin because they can't (ugggh) bite into it. So you have to sit there and let these wee little demons swarm around your feet and toes and nibble/suck away your dead skin...willingly sit there and LET this happen. No! No! Noooooooo fucking WAY!

I had a nightmare one time that I was shopping in a grocery store that had no real floor; it was just a big shallow tank full of huge fish. Customers had to ride on ski-lift type seats up and down the aisles, grabbing groceries off the shelves when they rode past. The thing was, everyone was REQUIRED to take their shoes and socks off, and let their feet dangle in the water amongst these disgusing fish. In the dream, no one had a problem with this because in this twisted nightmare-world, this was a completely normal way to go shopping for groceries. Why not? Makes perfect sense, right?

So in the nightmare, I am on the ski-lift-thing, riding through the store with my bare feet in the water. I am trying to lift them up and out of the water because these fish are just PACKED into the tank, and there's nowhere to put your feet except on and pushed up next to slimy fish bodies...but the water rises and I can't get my feet up high enough. That's when I look down and realize the fish have huge HUMAN LIPS. And they are making sucky faces and opening and closing their horrible mouths after my feet. Oh my God...I woke up completely freaked out.

That nightmare was at least ten, maybe even fifteen years ago. It's in my top 5 Worst Dreams Ever list. My worst nightmare is so awful and disgusting I won't even type it here because seriously...it's THAT bad. Anyway, though, having my feet trapped in a tank full of fish is QUITE high on my list of horrors.

So no fish pedicures for me. Ever. Ever.

I'm upset that I even read this. Because I bet I'll dream about it at some point, now. Or, the next time I am soaking my feet at home I will make myself freak out because I will imagine I feel little fish in there, under the bubbles, gumming my calluses. Great. Thanks SO MUCH, Associated Press, for bringing me "the news" today. I hate you. May 1,000 toothless carp suck at the dead skin around your cold, unfeeling hearts. You deserve it, you terrible bastards.