There’s been a problem in my department. Apparently someone, or a group of someones, has been pouring “liquids” into the plants! We got an e-mail today asking us to not pour liquids of any kind into the plants. And there are so many “funny” liquids out there that could be deposited into potted plants. In fact there are so many and they are all so hilarious I will leave it up to you and your imagination to picture them all. (For the record, I sit nowhere near a plant and it’s honestly never occurred to me to pour anything, not even water, into them. I tend to ignore and neglect plants. But now I am thinking of doing something to them, solely because of the power of suggestion.)

I’m getting word from a source close to the plant problem that the liquid has been coffee. No wonder the plants were lookin’ so jittery these days. They also took up smoking. But don’t worry… it’s been just tiny little Tiparillos, not big smelly Camels.

I wonder how many poor schleps throughout history have tried to smoke an actual camel. It would be totally cruel to try to smoke a live camel, even if you did start with the tail. But maybe a deceased camel, all dried out and rolled into a huge piece of rolling paper.

At the moment, I have no phone and no internet connection at home. It’s maddening, I tells ya! Especially since I have the cheapest cell phone plan with only 400 minutes a month, so I spent the night in near absolute solitude, alone with the dog and my video tape and DVD collection, all so I could save minutes. I also can’t get into my mailbox, since the condo complex has one central mailbox location and the douche I bought the condo from “can’t remember” the mailbox number. Plus, he left me about 6 random keys that I have no clue as to their prospective locks, so I am not even sure what key opens the mailbox I don’t know of. I did a load of laundry and realized my washing machine is the loudest freaking washing machine in the free world. I couldn’t hear myself think! Don’t you love it when people say that? “Shut up! I can’t hear myself think!” Um, since when COULD you hear yourself think? The world would suck if all you could hear all the time was the sounds of brains clicking and whirring away with thoughts. Spray some oil on that shit and quiet it down. I would not like to hear myself think. I’m pretty sure it would end badly. I’d take a few people out with me, I promise you.

On a happier note, we’re really coming down to the wire on President’s Day! Now it’s only 5 days away. I have been leaning towards Franklin, yet again. I know that is such an obvious choice, but the dude was flying kites in storms and wearing those little spectacles and just being an all-around awesome guy. I have this feeling that Franklin and I would get along splendidly. I, too, wear knickers. And I regularly ‘discover’ things. I discovered glass. OK, that’s a dirty lie. But I did discover that glass is apparently ‘transparent’ and can be ‘placed in houses.’ No… that’s not really true either. I guess Benjamin and I are not so much alike, after all. Yet, I find the man alluring.

Today is my Mom’s birthday! Happy Birthday Mom! We don’t have shit planned for you. Sorry. But, that’s not to say we won’t throw something together. Trish and I are excellent and throwing things together. The best Mom Birthday was the one where we actually kidnapped her and drove her to Las Vegas for her 50th. It was so fun because she didn’t know where we were going as we drove miles and miles through the desert. We finally told her once we were out “Ole’ Wickenburg Way”, as the Arizona locals and dumb asses who move here from other states like to say. She was so excited she cried. Nothing beats making your momma cry. But seriously, I love my Mom. She was so much better than that old wire Mom they gave me for awhile.