Dog Post alert!
If you don't want to read about the dogs, you might want to go click on some other blog because it's time for me to bitch about ours. Again. (Look at this adorable bastard. Do not be fooled. He is a Destroyer of Worlds in cute-dog clothing!)

Dogs are so awful sometimes. I mean, they are awesome! They shower you with unconditional affection, they are great exercise partners, they protect the house, and they do cute or goofy things to make us laugh. But don't be fooled! Dogs are actually huge assholes!

I say this because no sooner did I write the post on Monday about how Indy has been "better" than he screws it all up again. I went home, worked on a little training with him with his new harness, and things appeared to be going well. He was sitting around with his submissive ears-back face on and everything. Greg and I were eating some pizza, and we left a slice on the kitchen counter. Indy took it upon himself to go in there, quickly jump up and knock the pizza to the floor in an attempt to steal it.

We caught him, and he was punished right in the act. Such a brazen little dickhead!

Later that evening, we loaded Indy and Hailie into the car to go to PetSmart, for it was time for a nails trimming session. We can't do it on our own because of the spastic fits our dogs have; I thought Indy broke my nose last year when I was holding him while Greg trimmed. Dogs have very hard skulls. Anyway, we had a coupon for a free nail trim, so we'd only have to pay for one at $8.00 Based on our experiences, $8.00 is a bargain to have someone else handle this arduous task.

Hailie WHINES like an idiot when we are in the car. Every time. She freaks out and gets super-excited that she is going for a ride; in fact, they both do this. If one dog loses it, the other one is guaranteed to join in the fun every time. Hailie is the queen of squealing-whines in the car, though. It's kind of cute, but after about a minute I just want to reach back and strangle her. We turn the radio up to mask the noise, but there's limits on what the radio can accomplish. Indy will whine as well, and there are moments when we have two very loud dog voices whining and yelping at the same time.

At PetSmart, they both lost their cool. They conveniently forget how to heel or listen to us at all. We can spend a long time just inching towards the doors only to have everything fly out the window once we are inside. They're skidding all over the place, panting and pulling. I can get SO embarrassed of our retards.

Indy went first, and he got his nails trimmed with some squirming and whining, but overall it was a piece of cake compared to Hailie's behavior on the grooming table. She looked like she was having seizures, the way she was bucking around like a rodeo horse. Greg went back and helped hold her still, and even that didn't help. It took a really long time for the poor groomer to get through all her nails, and she even called in a third person to help hold her steady and talk reassuringly to her. People were looking in the window and pointing at her and laughing.

So yes, that's what it has come to: we have the out of control dogs people LAUGH at. Honestly, this just makes me drop my head and shrug in shame.

We do everything right, or at least, we try damn hard to do things right every time. Greg is still better at being consistent than I am, but when I compare how spoiled I was by my past dogs (and Malcolm) and how they had been so good and well-behaved on and off leash... I realize how difficult these particular two really are, and that I have a lot to learn yet. But you know, I do think we are pretty good at how we handle them. Yet, here we are, dealing with two boobs who act like Roger Rabbit on speed when we go out somewhere or when we try to cut their nails.

I never thought I'd go to this extreme, but I'm starting to think about contacting Cesar Milan. I wonder if we'd be a case he'd consider.

And I wonder if he did come out and film a show, if the producers would be OK with blurring out our faces and disguising our voices.