RAUL JULIA: A Biography

Raúl Rafael Carlos Juliá y Arcelay was born at the Floral Park subsection of San Juan on March 9, 1940, on a greasy kitchen table in his parents' restaurant. He was the oldest of four brothers and sisters; his brother Carlos Rafael died in an automobile accident in 1960. His mother was a mezzo-soprano who abandoned a potential career as a singer when she married Juliá's father. Some relatives on his father's side were part-time musicians and full-time loser trash collectors.

When he was born, little Raul was cursed with intestinal worms. Apparently his mother had eaten some very, very bad clams the night she performed her last musical show at a little local cantina known as "Queso Queso": she had bumbled through the lyrics of "Shimmy Shimmy KoKo Pop" and had been hustled off the stage by a fat sweaty saxophonist, and the crowd berated her mercilessly as she tried to gather what was left of her dignity, and wipe fat saxophonist sweat off of her pretty lace shirt. "Why don't you just go and marry some guy who will one day father some kids for you already!" they yelled as they threw garbage at her. It was a sad scene, and witnesses say she left Queso Queso for the last time and went straight into a depression-fueled eating binge that lasted for 4 months. During this dark period, she married and got pregnant with the zygote that would end up being Raul Julia...but she also had taken to eating out of the dumpster down behind the seafood restautant. And that was how she contracted worms, and how baby Raul was infected. His parents lured the worms out of his body by dangling a fresh ham into the back of his diaper 10 times a day. Incidentally, his childhood nickname was "Baby Ham Butt."

Raúl's father was the founder of "La Cueva del Chicken Inn", a restaurant in San Juan which he used as a gate to introduce pizza and fried chicken into the Puerto Rican gastronomy, during the mid-1950s. He also used a long tube he called "The Chick'N Chute" that, when coated with mild pico de gallo, was a favorite among those patrons who still wanted to ingest the food but were unable to chew for whatever reason. Infamous Finnish gangster Hals Oooder, who was hiding from the Finland mob at the time, was a frequent user of the Chick'N Chute. Oooder had no teeth to speak of, and was taunted by the local children for his lack of a hinged jaw.

At any rate, the restaurant was a certified success! Raul's illustrious father hired an Italian cook in New York City who could prepare authentic Italian pizza for Puerto Rican palates. Raúl's sister María Eugenia claims that their father was, in a way, the first fast food mogul Puerto Rico ever had, since the relatively simple food fare would ensure prompt service at the restaurant. Historians note, however, that Maria Eugenia is a notorious liar with a penchant for shoplifting dry cat food in purses she fashioned from her own undergarments. One thing is sure: He founded the restaurant at the very house where Raúl and his brother Rafael were born, they rolled out pizza dough on the very table Raul and his siblings were born on, the brothers and sisters literally grew up at the family business, and the property is still owned by the Juliá family.

A CAREER TAKES OFF!

Juliá discovered acting early in his academic career, beginning with a role as a talking can of beans in first grade. "From then on, that was it," he told Cigar Aficionado magazine in 1993. "I knew there was something special about the theater for me... something beyond the regular reality, something that I could get into and transcend and become something other than myself; I found intense pleasure in becoming that can of beans. That may be why I was suspended, in fact." He was deeply involved in drama and art clubs in his high school years, was beaten mercilessly by his classmates, and even played the role of Rodrigo in Othello at a local drama production. For a while he was also a game show host and teen program host on Puerto Rican television. This brought him the admiration of the teen girls in his school, and at least 67 wedgies and 18 incidents where he was admitted to the ER suffering from "kicked scrotes."

Upon graduation from college, Juliá was faced with a difficult choice between his parents' wishes that he become a guano gatherer and his own dreams of prancing around in costumes. They wanted him to remain in Puerto Rico and continue on to law school so he could become a lawyer that would defend the guano industry. They also pointed out that his uncles were the owners of a mental hospital, and that he could have guaranteed success as a doctor. GOD, they really had sooo many plans for Raul. Raul, become this. Raul, be that. It was stiffling for a young thespian!! He wanted to pursue an acting career. Finally, like so many aspiring actors, he left for New York City in 1964, asking his parents to only finance the tuition fees of any acting classes he might take, while supporting himself through various odd jobs, including selling fountain pens, tap dancing for dollars down at the pier, and serving as a telemarketer. Juliá soon began studying drama with Wynn Handman. He soon found work in off-Broadway theater and at open air performances in New York's Central Park-- well, it wasn't so much 'work' as it was 'screaming out at the passing tourists while wearing a weird, character-y hat of some kind, usually fashioned from paper mache'.

In 1966, Juliá began working with theater impresario Joseph Papp (not to be confused with the Pap family, renowned for their smears) and the New York Shakespeare Festival. His Shakespearean roles included Edmund in King Lear in 1973 and the title role of Othello in 1979, and some other stuff that has been known to go on and on and on and bore people to tears, actual tears. Juliá went on to enjoy great success on the musical stage, receiving four Tony Award nominations. He appeared in over a dozen Broadway productions, including the legendary 1973 flop musical Via Galactica. Remember that one? No one does. If you say that phrase around certain prostitutes today, you WILL get your ass kicked.

The stage successes led to his formal film debut in The Organization (1971), in which he starred opposite Sidney Poitier (he had played bit parts in two previous films, Stiletto and The Panic in Needle Park). In the early 1980s, Juliá was invited to join Francis Ford Coppola's Zoetrope Studios company and appeared in One from the Heart (1982) on one condition-- he perform the role while drunk. Francis Ford, being the prankster he is, loved it and had a blast getting hammered with Raul when they were done filming for the day. Rumor has it they stole some car stereos at the time.

In 1971, Juliá also appeared as a regular cast member, Rafael, on the children's TV series Sesame Street. Rafael only appeared on the show during the third season, which was universally panned by educators as being the worst season of the show due to the blatant racism, profanity and violence. Disappointed with the direction the Henson Company was heading in, he packed up his things in a red handkerchief tied to a stick, and then Juliá moved on to other projects.

Although he never became a major film superstar (he was partial towards theater), Juliá had notable dramatic and comic roles in a number of films and made-for-TV movies. In 1983, he starred in a spectacularly disastrous made-for-TV movie Overdrawn at the Memory Bank, an adaptation of a John Varley short story which would later be mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000. One of his most memorable roles came as the defense attourney of Harrison Ford in "Presumed Innocent".

Later he went on to play his most acclaimed and beloved role, that of Gomez Addams. Although he was universally adored at last, he was uncomfortable with the attention. "Gomez is a lover, a suave and debonaire gentleman. I can respect that. And he is good with the kids. He seems to enjoy a healthy relationship with his bitchin' wife, Morticia, but there is a sadness to Gomez that I had a hard time leaving behind," said Raul. "I remember improvising an intense scene in which Gomez is trying to enjoy a much-deserved bag of circus peanuts, but Thing keeps interfering and trying to steal the circus peanuts. I went with it, and Gomez let out a primal howl of frustration and threw those circus peanuts to the ground, lashing out in the only way he knew how. I had decided that Gomez is a urinator early on, and I think they would have included that scene had the actor in the Thing costume not had a deadly allergic reaction to my urine. Oh well, at least the movies paid me well and I got to keep my 'stache."

Overall, Raul Julia never managed to piss a lot of people off, pardon the pun. He was well-liked in Hollywood and had a smattering of fans. Sadly, in 1994 he passed away from stomach cancer, and as it turns out, there was nothing funny about that. Stomach cancer sucks. And to this day, his family seeks to avenge his death by hunting stomach cancer down... when they find it, they will challenge it to a duel. This is true.

In honor of Mr. Julia, I present here my favorite clip. Here, he portrays some random man in "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank," and the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys have some fun making fun of it, rightly so:

"Mom... my nuts?"

Thanks for the memories, Raul Julia.
The End.