You know what's really evil? Taking Halloween away from kids. That's just not cool.

Churches do it all the time now. Churches, and schools. "Can't be celebrating a pagan holiday...Satan is behind all of this...blah blah blah..." This makes me incredibly sad and angry. You don't fuck with Halloween. It ain't right.

Halloween is AWESOME.

Anyway, today my co-worker RaeAnn and I got to talking (well, e-mailing) about Christian "Harvest Festivals." First, she found this astounding photo online. It speaks for itself:
Gah. You have to wonder what it means to "tree" a Wiccan. I'm pretty sure if it's what I think it is, that's religious persecution, pal. Either way, the fact that he gets so caught up in the "thrill of the chase" leads me to believe that today, this guy is now sitting in a prison somewhere, fashioning a buttplug from soap. Tree THAT.

I always laugh at wholesome church bulletins. Always have. Ask anyone, even as a child I would sit and giggle away for hours when we got one, and would keep a collection of them in my sock drawer next to my collection of gallon milk jug plastic rings. I was known for pulling some out at parties and doing little comedic readings that brought the house down. Gave Opa a heart attack that one time. And Aunt Nancy laughed so hard she passed out in the soup. I was arrested. Not charged, ultimately. I was an incredible child. What a wee angel I was.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to happen upon a church bulletin today! Imagine my luck. Here I am making fun of the things, and lo, one appears. Now this is a real church bulletin. I didn't write this at all. No way! I would never fake something like this. I have too much journalist integrity. I'm no Stephen Glass, you know. I'm a straightshooting son of a bitch.

OK, so here is what I absolutely, totally, completely and utterly did NOT write:

“It’s that time of year again, fellow Lutherans!

Let’s all go to the Harvest Festival! YAY! And for a special treat, we’ll replace the wine with good ol’ fashioned apple cider this Sunday, and have Bottlecaps instead of wafers. Don’t worry, Jesus would approve. We know because we’re faithful Christians and we have the “scoop.”

Speaking of scoop, let’s get ready for our Gourd Decorating Contest! It’s more fun than “carving pumpkins” like the pagans do, and there are no knives! Everyone gets some Elmer’s Glue, some pipe cleaners and poster paint. Get ready to go to town, kids! The winner of the contest will win a free Bible dustjacket featuring the Veggie Tales!

We expect to see strong competition this year in the costume department. While it will be hard for anyone to match the splendor of Stephanie Mulligan’s “Old Sarah” costume, we hope you’ll suit up in your best apostle outfits, kids! And please, no lepers! We don’t want to scare the Preschool group.

So this year, instead of remaining in the safety of your own home, come to church for the Harvest Festival! Let our Lord Jesus wrap his arms around you and keep you safe from ghouls. Forget about vampires and werewolves…the only thing you’ll be drained of is your sins, and when the full moon rises, the only howling you will hear will be our choir as we sing “Shout to the Lord” (Tee hee hee, sorry choir! You know we’re just teasing.)

See you at the Harvest Festival!

In Christ,
Father Bob”

Pretty bad, huh? I want to punch Father Bob in the NUTS!

I would too, if...

There really WERE a Father Bob and I DIDN'T write that myself! Ha! Tricked ya suckers!