HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
That's the pumpkin Greg and I carved at a pumpkin carving party this past weekend. Also, our two Halloween decorations that are currently on display at our house.

Something odd is going on this year. So many people--ourselves included-- just didn't get into the Halloween spirit. This makes me sad that I didn't really go all out like I usually do. I didn't put a costume together this year, we didn't decorate the house and we didn't do a lot of Halloween-related activities. I'm chalking it up to the unseasonably hot temperatures we've been having lately (it has yet to feel like fall, with temperatures almost at 100 the past couple of weeks) and the fact that I was sick for so many weeks and then Greg got sick, too. Neither of us has felt like putting the effort forth to build costumes or pull the bins of Halloween decorations out of storage.

Well, at least today feels like Halloween a little, because my job is AWESOME. I heard that people dress up here, there are contests and a company potluck, but I had no idea how neat it would be when I got here this morning. A whole row of offices are decorated like a jail, with people in prisoner outfits... almost half the office is in costume, and they had a costume parade through the building this morning. We got to vote for our favorites and later there will be a potluck. I used to scoff at potlucks, because at my past jobs they always sucked so badly, but given the way people get into the spirit here and how cool people are, I am looking forward to lunch today because I think there will be some good stuff there. I'm still just sitting here in awe that I can hear the motion-activated ghoul near the front desk making creepy noises anytime someone walks past, and people are laughing and talking around the cube farm. It's so nice to work somewhere with people who GET IT. And it doesn't even feel corny in an Office Space kind of way, either.

Tonight the plan is to not be home. We're going to a movie. The trick or treaters in our neighborhood are just too much. They come in swarms of 30 kids, and we ran out of candy last year only about an hour in. I had to run out and buy more. And they kept coming. And then they got older as the night went on, until we had nothing but teenagers NOT in costume showing up at our door. Sorry, but you shouldn't get candy if you're not dressed up. And if you're old. Asshole kids. Plus, a good chunk of the kids never even said TRICK OR TREAT. Just held their bags out and stared at us. And did I mention not many of them said thank you? How hard is it to say two freakin' words when people are giving you something?? It pissed me off SO MUCH. And so, this year, we're being the bastards who aren't giving out candy. But that's what the kids forced us to do. We had no choice but to react this way. If they start following the rules of Halloween, we'll start offering candy again.

Bah humbug! Or, Bah humspider!

Have a great Halloween, and may your trick or treaters be pleasant and arrive in orderly groups of 5 or less. :)

SCARY MOVIE MEME
Now with more undead Gage!
I saw this meme on Fraulein N's blog and couldn't resist. I really love horror movies, and in fact, I think I love them more and more as the years go by. I don't know why, really, but it's just so fun to be scared. And to have nightmares. I always have nightmares, but I admit I like them. I end up turning them into short stories sometimes.

Well, here is the list. The rules are you bold the ones you have seen, and italicize the ones you didn't get through. (I am adding some at the bottom of the list because I am surprised at some of the movies left off of this list! And really, why is Scream on here? That's not scary.)

The Shining - I've seen this too many times. It's not even scary anymore, although those damn twins are pretty horrifying.

The Exorcist - I have yet to see the extended version of this movie...something with her going down the stairs like a spider...and I really want to.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - I have never seen this one all the way through. Not for a lack of wanting to. It's just that I always turn it on when it's already underway, and I think the first part of the movie is kind of boring, so there were a few times I gave up and did something else. I really do want to see it straight through.

The Silence of the Lambs - Oh, yes, Clarice. It's also a kind of funny movie. How can you not laugh at "put the lotion in the basket"? Although today one of the most disturbing facts was when Greg told me that the actor who plays the captain on "Monk" is "Buffalo Bill." WEIRD.

JAWS - I love this movie! It terrified me as a kid, and I can't change the channel if it's on.

Halloween - I just saw this about a month ago for the first time! And I saw the remake, which wasn't really that great. I like this movie, and I'm surprised I never managed to see it at a sleepover or something. God knows we watched "April Fool's Day" and "Friday the 13th" enough.

Psycho - Just never got around to renting it, so I've only caught parts of it on TV here and there. I used to be scared in the shower as a kid, because of what I knew of this movie. Today, I am more scared of the shower scene in The Grudge. Ick!

Seven - I love this movie, too! I always end up thinking about it long after it's over. I think it's pretty unique and Kevin Spacey with his monotone and blank stare just kill me. (It's funny to do an impression of Brad Pitt crying, "Aww, what's in the box?!" too)

Rosemary's Baby - I saw this in middle school, and I can't remember very much about it. It didn't scare me.

Poltergeist - I was terrified for years after seeing this movie. And of course, since we had cable, I watched it dozens of times. I couldn't look away. And later, the second Poltergeist scared me, too ("God is in His holy temple") but today that one is just hilarious. Tequila worm? Craig T. Nelson smoking up with an indian? Braces that attack? Hee hee hee!

A Nightmare on Elm Street - Are ya kidding me? Did you know me in 7th grade?! When I had my Freddy glove, and would watch this and Nightmare on Elm Street 3 ad nauseum? The Freddy poster in my room? And in 8th grade, when I put together a lip sync act to "Nightmare on My Street"?! Holy crap, I loved this. I'm not sure it scared me, though. I had no problems sleeping. Probably my sick little mind WANTED to find Freddy in my nightmares.

Friday the 13th - Yes, although I only saw a few of the sequels. I was scared of Jason when I went to camp, but the rest of the time I just thought he was boring as far as killers go. He never said anything. Just mindless attacks. Nothing original like Freddy, sucking Johnny Depp into a bed, for example. (I often debated the Jason vs. Freddy thing with friends)

The Thing - Somehow this one escapes me. Is this about the hand in Addams Family?

The Evil Dead - I think I saw this. I definitely saw Evil Dead 2! And it's AWESOME.

Carrie - Pretty good. Poor Carrie. She did what she had to do.

Night of the Living Dead - This is a cool one to watch on Halloween because it's in black and white, and it's got such a good low-budget horror movie feel. Of course, as my sister knows, it's also good to dub songs like "Rubber Biscuit" over, but that's another story.

The Omen - Saw it as a kid, and the scene with the guy committing suicide with the gun rigged to the door really scared me. I can't remember much else about it, though. Was there a dog in it? I seem to recall a dog.

An American Werewolf in London

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

The Hitcher - I used to have this one on VHS because I loved it so much. Fingers as french fries!! Full disclosure: I think I liked it because this was during my painfully embarrassing C. Thomas Howell crush days. Sigh. I was/am a dork.

Lost Highway - Oh, this was boring. And not scary. How is this scary?

The Blair Witch Project -- Ooh, this was really good when I first saw it. I thought about it for days. That final scene in the house...guy facing the corner...pretty good.

Pet Semetery -- Yay! I loved this and the book. One of my exes had two cats that looked like Church. And I still get spooked thinking of that misty trail to the semetary (with an s) and the feeling something was going to come back...

Saw - Why is it that all I can think of when I think of this movie is Cary Elwes' awful acting? This one never scared me. It was suspenseful, but any chance of me getting scared went out the window with Cary Elwes.

The Ring - Yeah, OK, this one scared me. And I hate the scene with the horse on the boat.

Scream - Not a horror movie to me. And I saw maybe two sequels (are there more?) and they were retarded, too.

Hostel - Even though it's kind of ridiculous, and overly gory, it still freaked me out. I just have a feeling somewhere in the world if you're rich you really CAN do this to people. And some of the gory images are just too horrible to forget. I haven't seen the sequel...yet.

The Sixth Sense - Fantastic. In all (six?) senses of the word.

The Grudge -- Eww. This definitely scared me. And I always watch it if it's on.

The Hills Have Eyes - I have talked quite a bit about how much this movie scared me. Scarred me is more like it. It's been a long time since something scared me that much, and I don't know why. Something about it is just too horrible for me to process. Or something. I still haven't gathered the courage to watch it again, although part of me really, really wants to.

Signs - Too bad it has a queer ending, and there's all that extra spirituality stuff in there, because that scene when the aliens are outside the house and you only hear them moving around just wigged me out. But then again, aliens scare me in general.

Freaks - How could any self-respecting horror movie list forget this movie? It's horrible! So freakin' creepy. Damn pinheads.

Frankenstein - Never saw it. How can I when all I can think of is the monster singing "Puttin' on the Ritz"? Thanks, Mel Brooks.

The Blob -- I'm only adding this because it was on last night. Well, at least the crappy 80's remake with Kevin Dillon.

30 Days of Night - Best vampire movie in years.

You know what's really evil? Taking Halloween away from kids. That's just not cool.

Churches do it all the time now. Churches, and schools. "Can't be celebrating a pagan holiday...Satan is behind all of this...blah blah blah..." This makes me incredibly sad and angry. You don't fuck with Halloween. It ain't right.

Halloween is AWESOME.

Anyway, today my co-worker RaeAnn and I got to talking (well, e-mailing) about Christian "Harvest Festivals." First, she found this astounding photo online. It speaks for itself:
Gah. You have to wonder what it means to "tree" a Wiccan. I'm pretty sure if it's what I think it is, that's religious persecution, pal. Either way, the fact that he gets so caught up in the "thrill of the chase" leads me to believe that today, this guy is now sitting in a prison somewhere, fashioning a buttplug from soap. Tree THAT.

I always laugh at wholesome church bulletins. Always have. Ask anyone, even as a child I would sit and giggle away for hours when we got one, and would keep a collection of them in my sock drawer next to my collection of gallon milk jug plastic rings. I was known for pulling some out at parties and doing little comedic readings that brought the house down. Gave Opa a heart attack that one time. And Aunt Nancy laughed so hard she passed out in the soup. I was arrested. Not charged, ultimately. I was an incredible child. What a wee angel I was.

Anyway, I was lucky enough to happen upon a church bulletin today! Imagine my luck. Here I am making fun of the things, and lo, one appears. Now this is a real church bulletin. I didn't write this at all. No way! I would never fake something like this. I have too much journalist integrity. I'm no Stephen Glass, you know. I'm a straightshooting son of a bitch.

OK, so here is what I absolutely, totally, completely and utterly did NOT write:

“It’s that time of year again, fellow Lutherans!

Let’s all go to the Harvest Festival! YAY! And for a special treat, we’ll replace the wine with good ol’ fashioned apple cider this Sunday, and have Bottlecaps instead of wafers. Don’t worry, Jesus would approve. We know because we’re faithful Christians and we have the “scoop.”

Speaking of scoop, let’s get ready for our Gourd Decorating Contest! It’s more fun than “carving pumpkins” like the pagans do, and there are no knives! Everyone gets some Elmer’s Glue, some pipe cleaners and poster paint. Get ready to go to town, kids! The winner of the contest will win a free Bible dustjacket featuring the Veggie Tales!

We expect to see strong competition this year in the costume department. While it will be hard for anyone to match the splendor of Stephanie Mulligan’s “Old Sarah” costume, we hope you’ll suit up in your best apostle outfits, kids! And please, no lepers! We don’t want to scare the Preschool group.

So this year, instead of remaining in the safety of your own home, come to church for the Harvest Festival! Let our Lord Jesus wrap his arms around you and keep you safe from ghouls. Forget about vampires and werewolves…the only thing you’ll be drained of is your sins, and when the full moon rises, the only howling you will hear will be our choir as we sing “Shout to the Lord” (Tee hee hee, sorry choir! You know we’re just teasing.)

See you at the Harvest Festival!

In Christ,
Father Bob”

Pretty bad, huh? I want to punch Father Bob in the NUTS!

I would too, if...

There really WERE a Father Bob and I DIDN'T write that myself! Ha! Tricked ya suckers!

Calming Devices
I found out that the noise I hear coming from the ceiling in our office is not really the ventilation system...it's a white noise machine. I just think it's weird that someone thought to use something like that. I guess it is a good thing, because I heard the office without it when the electric went out one day, and it was oddly silent and you could hear people talking way, way, waaaaay on the other side of the cube farm. And I don't really want to hear those people talking. And I don't want them to hear me, either. I prefer it when voices are masked, I have come to realize.

Still, for whatever reason, a white noise machine makes me think of those squeeze chutes they use in abbatoirs when killing livestock... the sensation of being held in place makes the animals relax and it's safer and more humane to slaughter them at that point.

The white noise machine soothes the common office worker, and makes them relax somewhat. This makes is safer for management to be in the vicinity, and keeps the workers from having a violent uprising/stampede when management has to add new projects, duties and hold long-winded meetings.

I think one of the coolest feelings in the world is getting to see the person you love again after several days apart. I get to pick Greg up from the airport in about an hour, and I am so excited. It's been only three nights, but that's more than enough. I want him back now.

I don't know what to do right now as I wait for the time I can leave to get him. I feel giddy, a little silly and very prone to time wasting activities and floor-pacing. I can't wait.

On a totally unrelated note, I don't have a clue what the hell is happening on "Heroes." Probably because I never watch it, and tonight I watched about 20 minutes. No. Idea. Who. These. People. Are! And what, they have powers?! And there's a guy who can fly or something? Whaaaa...? :)

Tomorrow night is the season finale of "Damages". I'm pretty psyched. That show has been surprisingly intense, and awesome. Like a good movie. If you missed it, I feel sorry for you.

Hey, did you hear the news? Come on, you had to have heard this by now. Dumbledore is gay! Tee hee hee. There are so many jokes that could be made...it's almost too easy. I'll just say, good for him. What a powerful, kind, intelligent, gay old wizard he was.

Not Whole, But Half
We received only one half of a Netflix envelope yesterday. Apparently, between the Netflix warehouse and the local post office, something went awry and it appears that someone stole the movie. It was weird to get just the front half of the envelope with a sticker on it from the post office that said something to the effect that "this is the condition this was received in" (we didn't do it!), the edge all torn.

It's only today that I see the humor in what movie it turns out was stolen, and resulted in just half an envelope: Half Nelson.

A story ran in the Arizona Republic today that says that the publishers of the Phoenix New Times have been arrested because they revealed grand jury information in an article they published in their newspaper this week, and now that I have read the whole article I am horrified.

We have a county sheriff, Joe Arpaio, who is very controversial here in Arizona. He's widely called "the toughest sheriff in the country," and I guess in some regards he really could be. I have always been wary of him, but ultimately I supported him because he is a HUGE animal lover and has enacted some very strict animal cruelty laws and supports many organizations, shelters and anti-euthanasia programs. Me being me, I can't help but feel the warm fuzzies for anyone who is so publicly outspoken and makes actual changes in the system to help animals... being kind and humane to animals is kind of my thing. So yes, I like the guy for that.

Joe Arpaio is also tough on crime. There's Tent City, where inmates live in tents, wear striped uniforms and pink underwear and eat days-only bologna sandwiches, sans condiments (they eliminated those a year or so ago to cut costs of housing prisoners). You can get sent to Teny City for a drunk driving conviction. I once worked with a girl who went there for just one night for that very crime, and she swore she would NEVER get behind the wheel after drinking again, for fear of having to endure that again.

His stance on crime can seem really great... I mean, YEAH! Be tough on criminals! Don't coddle them and give them a decent stay in your prisons; make it a real PRISON! Yes! But then there's the little issue of constitutional rights to consider here. Is it really right to deny prisoners three meals a day (in Tent City, I believe they only get two and the food is a step up from rancid) and indoor facilities in a city where the temperatures can get up to 120 degreees? Is it always necessary to treat people so harshly when the crimes they committed might not warrant this third-world-country treatment? Hey, I am all for making murderers, rapists, child molesters, Paris Hilton and OK, animal abusers, sleep in the dirt and eat rotten food. But I'm not positive that people who might have written a bad check, or were arrested for something small like public urination, really deserve that sort of treatment. (I am not belittling the impact of those crimes in any sense, just wondering if the punishment truly fits the crime in all situations)

We've also got the Illegal Immigrant hotline-- you can call a number to report someone you think might be an illegal immigrant. There are billboards with the number, TV ads, and even country trucks with the number plastered to their sides. Whoa... racial profiling much? Arpaio's camp says it is for people to report suspected drophouses, drug traffickers, coyotes, and illegal food operations (Mexicans pushing food carts through the street, selling corn and tamales, often don't have permits or deal with health department inspections, so the police have been going after them lately). But many people are worried that legal immigrants and people who just happen to latino are going to be harassed and it could lead to a very intolerant environment. My opinion is that it's a good idea to be tough on illegal immigrants for a variety of reasons (expenses they incur on our healthcare, education and public safety systems, for one) but you have to be careful putting that broad message of CALL IF YOU SUSPECT THEY'RE ILLEGALS! out there in a generally-stupid population. Being a bully is not the way to go about this. Or gain votes.

OK, enough about old Joe. Now, on to this article.

So, a lot of people hate Joe Arpaio, and an equal number of people here love him. The Phoenix New Times has definitely taken the stance that they do not like him or his policies. Over the years, they have written a lot of articles portraying him in a negative light, and calling his policies into question. It's been a good thing because without the New Times sharing this opinion, I think the general public here would be saturated with messages about how wonderful Joe Arpaio is, and how we should love him for making our city 'safe.' (Note: it is NOT safe, not by any stretch.)

Freedom of the press is a basic constitutional right. This is not a publicly-owned paper, and they have every right to write what they do, especially in regards to public officers. But apparently the New Times pissed in Arpaio's coffee a few too many times, and he sent the law after them. The publishers were subpoenaed in August; they were told them needed to turn over their internet readership records to a grand jury. The County Attorney wants the web addresses, shopping information, browser information and domain names of EVERY PERSON who has logged onto the New Times website and read anything at all... from an article to clicking on a banner ad.

So what's the deal with the County Attorney wanting this information? What does that prove, and what are they going to do with this data? Are they going to start watching people who read all of the Arpaio articles over the past few years for potential Anti-Arpaio Activities? Is this something the law is within its bounds to demand, or is it unconstitutional?

Well, I for one am ANGRY as hell about this. And not just because I have read most of those articles myself, so my infomation will be on that list if the New Times owners are forced to turn it over (as of now, they say they will not do it). It's because of what this says about freedom of speech, freedom of the press and political strongarm tactics. It's a little scary, and I think it should worry almost anyone who enjoys his or her freedom to write, read and think whatever they want to.

Read the Arizona Republic article here, and an article by the New Times publishers here to get the full story. What do you think?

*UPDATE* Since this morning, they have dropped the case. They were 'uncomfortable' with the 'mishandling' of how this all went down.

THE POOP RAN AWAY
By
Cruel Shoes

Alone, I toiled under the sun
Wind whipping my awesome hair into furious spirals
That trailed behind me as I
Worked, worked...

The white plastic bag in my tired hand
Mocked me
As the dark brown islands in the gravel
Beckoned defiantly (oh, they tease)

Canines familiaris
Have been here
The evidence of their fleet-footed business
Lies before me, around me, behind me
My past, present and future, filled with their undeniable presence

I must act now. Time will not erase these mounds of sun-baked excrement.

One by one, I approach the feces in my sunny yard
Attacking them with flimsy plastic
Wishing it was over
Wishing for sweet dog constipation

It does not come.

I am lashed to the old, craggy tree of responsibility
As the bag
Fills

Like a meth addict roller skating through a library,
Something happens to break the soul-crushing reality.
For, when the plastic hovers over this last crap-pile,

It moves.
My breath catches, my eyes dart

Small desert lizards can masquerade, oh yes
Their gift of camouflage is nearly magical and I
Marvel at its ancient skill as

The poop runs away.

Funny video time! Funny video time! Wooo, wooo wooo!

"DAYMAN!"

I can NOT get this song out of my head! And I laugh like a huge jackass EVERY TIME!

"Sometimes I throw nickels in zee oven...!"
All the Celebrity Jeopardies are funny, of course, but for some reason the Bjork thing was in my head this morning when I woke up, so here it is for all of the world to enjoy. Best comedy thing Winona's ever done!

And finally... perhaps my favorite video clip EVER...
ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN ON HALLOWEEN from "The Worst Witch":

It's been over 20 years and I still laugh so hard at this. And really, HAS anyone seen my tambourine?

Can anyone tell me why the most unintelligent, easily-confused people on the entire planet are the same ones who choose to use the Self-Serve checkout lanes at stores? I can always count on the morons to be out in full force when I get up to the checkout in places like the grocery store or Wal-Mart.

If you know you don't know how to work the scanners and stuff yourself, please get on a regular lane and have someone do it for you. Don't hold up the line as you stare with your mouth agape at the little screen; don't do something so back-asswards that a manager needs to come over and enter some code to fix your mistake; don't wonder why your crumpled and sweaty dollar bills won't go into the slot, but go on and keep shoving them in anyway. Maybe they'll magically go in after the 16th time you try.

I have to admit it's humorous to watch some of these people in action as I stand there waiting for my turn. I can almost smell the smoke of their brains trying to kick into high gear to get through this task. I laugh when I see the people who go up to the self-serve scanners with nothing but booze, and then they need cigarettes... when you buy booze, an attendant has to come over anyway and take down your license info and, in most cases, remove a security tag... and then the attendant has to come back again to get the cigarettes out of the locked case over near the service desk, anyway... why not just take care of all of this at a regular register? Well, I guess someone living off a diet of store-brand bourbon and Marlboro's isn't going to have the sharpest mental capacity when all's said and done. I shouldn't laugh at the feeble-minded. They know not what they do.

They also don't know how to use birth control, from the looks of it. The way it's going, the future really will look like the future in Idiocracy.

And now, a quick list of random things on my mind today:

* Old Navy is... not right. It is the work of the devil. They can't just have sales in which one can purchase jeans for $6.97, or jean skirts and T-shirts for $3.97. No, uh-uh. That shit adds up. It took a HELL of a lot of sucking-it-up to walk out of the O.N. last night with just that jean skirt and ONE t-shirt. Do you have any idea how hard it is to walk out of O.N. with only one t-shirt?! Good God. HATE YOU Old Navy. (ButIloveyoutoo)

* I missed "Pushing Daisies" last night. That's too bad, because I really thought it was a cool, quirky show and I hope it ends up being a hit. TV needs more creative, sweet-wacky stuff. And less "Dancing With the Stars." Or bald Howie Mandel, sans head-glove. Ehhh. Yay for Pushing Daisies!

* Boo for "Bionic Woman." I did not like that one at all. What a waste.

* After a year of chronic misplacement (it has been lost under my car seats and stashed haphazardly underneath other books), I am on the verge of finally finishing Chris Elliott's The Shroud of the Thwacker. It's nice n' odd, but also hilarious and actually contains a cohesive, witty plot. I recommend it. Plus, there are illustrations (drawn by his very own sister, Amy)! I can't find any excerpts online, and I left the book home today, but trust me when I say there are some fantastic bits with Teddy Roosevelt, a city of midgets and a Baby Incubating Barn in Coney Island, a rogue gang of violent, homeless toddlers called the Mudtots, and a constantly-throwing-up Harry Houdini. I've been reading it at lunch at work or out at restaurants, and I've definitely been laughing out loud and chortling to myself, earning some "looks". Whatever. If someone has a problem with me giggling at a book by one of my favorite famous people ever, they can just go to hell. And die.

* Respiratory illnesses are not cool. Why do they hang on so damn long and/or relapse? Or is that just me? Either way, ick.

* Meeting after meeting after meeting is an AWFUL use of a day. I started this blog at 7:30 this morning and who knows when I'll actually hit publish. Maybe even tomorrow. Yeeeeesh.

OK, I admit I am really looking forward to this:

Even THOUGH I do not like the guy in the hat. I hate his lips. But other than that, yeah...they got me. I'll watch it.

Plurals
As I looked at the cover of a “People” magazine in the checkout line at Target the other day, it occurred to me that I would much prefer the title of the magazine to be, “Persons.” Because the phrase “missing persons” is cool. Missing “people”? Nah. That’s so boring-sounding. But make a singular word like “person” into a plural makes it sound like it’s grammatically incorrect, and that’s just funny to me. It’s like instead of saying, “do you want more bacon?” you said “do you want more bacons?” Because in most cases, you are going to get more than one strip of bacon if you are getting more bacon. And therefore, I say it should be “bacons.”

Muchos Doritos
(I had to delete this image since someone hacked into it and replaced the awesome Doritos bag with an obscene naked guy shot. Bastards!)Big day for me last week! I got free Doritos out of the vending machine here at work. It was incredible. I never, ever buy Doritos out of that machine. On Thursday, however, once I finished my salad I was still hungry and so I decided on some delicious nacho Doritos. I put my money in, hit the buttons and the little coil holding the Doritos in place slowly uncoiled and the bag moved forward towards the big drop. BUT, disaster struck! The edge of the bag caught on the coil and so it was just sort of hanging there. I tried to shake the machine with the help of some co-workers but the damn thing wouldn’t drop. What to do, what to do…

I talked to the operations manager here, who gave me my 75 cents back so I could get my precious bag of Doritos. But before she sent me on my way, she told me, “If both bags drop, you can keep them both.” SCORE!

And score I did…both bags dropped and I was Doritos-rich! Hurrah!

Things I Did
Other than that, it’s been a slow several days in terms of cool things happening. I enjoyed some television… the 30 Rock season premiere, more It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The Office, and most of the latest episode of Damages. I enjoyed the out-of-doors by taking a bike ride and doing yard work on Saturday. I also enjoyed some eating… good sandwiches, homemade lasagna, Cheerios. (Not all in the same meal.) And, finally, I enjoyed some sleeping. Especially after yesterday, when Greg and I helped my sister and Kane move into their new apartment and my head exploded.

It was a hard morning, and I learned something valuable about my migraines… I learned I should not exert myself when a migraine sets in. Usually, my migraines happen in the office, or at home when I am sitting around, so I never realized how much worse I could make ‘em by moving around a whole lot. I felt the headache starting while we were loading up the truck, and then by the time we were at their new place and unloading it, it started to become a screamer of a headache. My ears were filled with a pounding sound, and when I carried anything up the stairs, each step felt like it was building pressure up inside my head. Before long, I was feeling lightheaded and nauseous. I sat down, tried to relax, took some Tylenol… and threw it up. Lucky me, I got to be the first person to puke in their new apartment (in the toilet, at least)! Do I win a prize for this? Gosh, I certainly hope so.

So, we had to go home. And the ensuing naps that helped me feel a little more human again were very much appreciated. Sleeping can feel so awesome sometimes. In fact, I wish I was sleeping right now. I still feel completely wiped out from yesterday. I wish there was a sleep pod under my desk that I could crawl into from time to time. Sleeping would be a much greater use of my downtime here at the office. I just need that sleep pod to make it happen. Sleeping in my car out in the parking lot is just not as glamorous as it sounds. And my trick “my eyes are still open” glasses don’t fool anyone anymore so I can’t sleep sitting up.

My greatest invention YET
I would also settle for something I’ll call a rising sleep platform. I’m modeling this off of that table in the old Frankenstein movies, the one on which the monster is placed and then the scientist pulls a chain and raises it up to the roof where lightening can hit it and wake up the creature. Well, what if offices were equipped with similar platforms at each worker’s desk? That way, you could get on the platform and hit a button to raise you up to the ceiling. Once there, you could pull down some shades that would be waiting for you up there in the ceiling, and take a nap up there.

I think this would be an intelligent and efficient use of space, since Management never wants to take up more room in the office for the good stuff, like sleep areas or office gyms. I think my idea is golden, and by this afternoon I expect to have a draft of my patent application ready to go.

I painted my nails last night... just like a REAL girl!

I did them in a very pretty deep reddish-brown, and it took about three coats to get the desired result. I went to great lengths to sit still and let each coat dry well rather than rush all the coats on together, which I am prone to doing because I am impatient and have THINGS TO DO. I don't have time to be sitting around waving my fingers in the air for hours and hours! I have places to be. (Well, not really...but it's nice to imagine being busy.)

Today, my nails look nice and I keep glancing down at them and thinking, "How adult my hands look today; how very chic!" Usually, I think I gloss right by my hands. My eyes don't really register them on a regular basis; they're kind of the "givens" at the ends of my forearms. Which reminds me, I don't give my forearms much notice, either. If I really think about it, I wonder: do I EVER really see my body? Am I invisible to myself? Do I take my existence for granted and just assume that if I were to look down I would see myself? Something tells me that if I keep going on this trajectory, I will veer dangerously into philosophical territory and no one wants that. I've got no business talkin' philosophy. I mean, I am the type of girl who still gets excited when I realize we're having corn on the cob with dinner.

Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Having these nails painted up like harlot-hands is nice and all, but I think I underestimated the importance of top coat.

I wanted to do a top coat, I really did. But with all those initial coats of polish, I ran out of time before bed to do that top coat. I figured I would brush some on in the morning before I left for work. Well, that plan went to shit, because I forgot about it. I only remembered to take my slippers off once I got to my car. (I slipped on a pair of shoes I happened to have in there, so I wouldn't be traipsing around the office in those god-awful $2.50 Walgreen's specials with the disintegrating black soles and flattened terry footbeds...these shitty slippers leave little black rubber strips in my wake because they're falling apart a little more with each step, YET, I continue to wear 'em every day when I am home. What a jackass.)

I needed top coat because this nail polish is leaving purple-ish streaks on every paper I touch today. It looks like someone is coloring on my papers with a colored pencil. Every time the nails rub against anything, a little color comes off. I have a stack of page proofs here that I need to edit and give back to the designer, and I am ashamed because they look like they were edited by a grubby two-year-old holding a crayon in his fist.

Lesson learned for today: Painting my nails really isn't worth the hassle, but if I do get the urge to do it again sometime, don't forget the top coat. Also... I need to throw out those stupid slippers. And get some ears of corn and spend a half hour or so doing the Happy Corn On The Cob Dance around the kitchen as I peel off husks and corn silk with unabashed glee, all while drunk off my ass.

It's October 2, but it still feels a hell of a lot like summer here. Ehhhh.

This just in: my body is decaying! And at an alarming rate!
Evidence:
I took so many notes yesterday at a workshop that my hand cramped up in a bad way. This made me think that I could be getting arthritis because I am old and everything. It was bound to happen. I just don't write that much anymore; I type. Not that long ago I realized I can type pretty damn fast, and I can do it without looking at the keyboard at all. I don't know when this happened, but it comes in handy. Now if I could just get my memory to pick up a little bit. I wonder about early-onset Alzheimer's, sometimes. Next thing you know I will be asking Santa to bring me a Get-Around(TM) scooter so I, too, can ride over the bridges and through the woods like the old folks in that commercial I see all the time.

Why does life look so awesome when one has a disease/ disability? TV leads me to believe that having herpes will get me out, riding bikes, skydiving, going to the beach and being all-around ecstatic. I might look into this herpes thing, if that's really the case.

I've got to decide on a Halloween costume soon. I've got about three ideas at the moment, and one idea is to recycle my very old Sally costume. I don't think I ever recycled a Halloween costume before, though... it almost seems blasphemous.

Just another random post. I did this because I am at my computer, and I'm bored and sweaty and can't think of what scene to write next for my book. I wish it felt like what my favorite month of the year should feel like.

Tonight, Greg and I had planned to go see The Black Angels down in Phoenix. We saw them once last year, and they were fantastical, and so the show tonight was something we were both super psyched for. AND THEN...

The coughing and hacking and spitting and nose-blowing took over my life.

I am beyond annoyed right now. I want to go to this show tonight so badly. I'm thinking I might be able to, since I was good and went to the doctor this afternoon and got some antibiotics for, what he said was "early bronchitis." At least if I am taking something, it shouldn't matter where I venture out in the world, right? I am not doomed to spending many more hours in bed, am I? Because I did that today and it has been a crummy, boring-ass day. Also, I figure hey-- if I am coughing in a loud club during a show, who's going to notice? And it's not like I won't cover my mouth and use lots of tissues.

This isn't over yet, either. My pain continues when I think that there's also a chance of us having to miss seeing "The Lieutenant of Inishmore" at Actor's Theater tomorrow night, too. I read a preview of this show last month and thought it sounded excellent... I mean, it's not everyday that you see a play that requires the use of a "blood cannon." Tickets were astronomically high, though, so I all but gave up hope of seeing it. Then, this week, they went on sale for $10 a ticket and Greg and I snapped a pair up for tomorrow night's show. Yay! BUT OF COURSE...

If I am coughing, that is unacceptable behavior in a theater. I don't want to be That Annoying Sick Person. I am thinking that, now that I am on the meds, the coughing will slow down, maybe? And there are Sucrets and other lozenges I can suck throughout a performance. We may still be able to see it. Right? After all, maybe I can time my coughs for the more violent scenes; maybe the sound of the gunfire will drown me out? One can hope.

Ah, hell. Whatever, universe. Just keep on screwing me, bitch. I'll get you one of these days.

Man Finds Human Leg in Smoker Grill
It's stories like this that just make the internet so comforting on a typical Wednesday morning. This little news tidbit reminds me of that old stupid rhyme that goes something like: Good food, good eats, good God, that's my knee!
I'll bet this Asian guy there loves himself some human remains. Those ain't burgers... they're peopleburgers.

Note to self: if I ever have a medical necessity that requires the amputation of any of my limbs-- even just pieces of my limbs-- do not decide to keep it. And if for some reason, the urge to keep it is too strong for me to withstand, do not store it in the grill. It's just not an ideal environment for my pieces.

Speaking of pieces, a show Greg introduced me to, Dexter, is awesome. If you haven't seen it, it's the story of a guy who, by day, works as a blood splatter specialist for the Miami police department, but at night, he is a serial killer. It's based on some books by Jeff Lindsay, and I need to read those books, very soon. I wish we had Showtime so we could watch season 2 when it starts.

MY LIBRARY CARD
On Thursday night, Trish and I became official card-carrying members of the Mesa Public Library. Woo. Hoo.

I was excited. I admit it. I had been thinking about how wonderful it would be to once more be a card-carrying library patron. It’s been years since I have checked anything out of a library. I’ve gotten in the habit of just buying my own books every time I want to read something. Now that I am an older and more responsible adult (coughcoughNOT REALLYcoughcough), I decided that by using the resources of my local public library I would save a lot of money AND somehow help support my local community. Because I guess our local community would flat-out collapse without people like me owning library cards. It makes all the difference in the world.

Guess what, though… the library kind of sucked.

I’m not sure why I thought this, but I had assumed that the library would be full of books. Not a bunch of shelves with some books and approximately 20% free shelf space. Not rows and rows of audio books and VHS tapes on shelves. Not 15 freakin’ computer terminals taking up prime floor space, with people sitting on the internet sending e-mails through the free Hotmail. I was underwhelmed.

I went there to check out “Watership Down.” Trish and I looked it up on the computerized card file and saw that it appeared to be currently checked out. Damn. However, as we scrolled down the page, we saw that there was one copy on the shelf. OK, good. So we went over to where it was, and found it on the shelf and I took it with me to check it out. I did take a cursory look around for a few other books on my mental list of things I want to read, but to no avail… maybe the books I want to read are too new? Maybe they are not big enough to warrant being stocked there? I don’t know. It was close to closing time, and after Trish and I had taken a look around and laughing like the immature morons we often are in public, we kind of gave up.

A few things were weird:

1. The check-out system is now (gasp!) electronic. You scan the bar code on the book, and your library card, and it prints out a little receipt that tells you when the book is due back. It’s all self-service now. While I admire the efficiency of this new system, I will probably always pine for the days when I had my little paper card with the metal bar on it that the librarian would put down into some machine on the checkout desk, and then stamp my number onto the manila book card with a loud, satisfying thump-noise. I definitely prefer old-school, hands-on librarian action. And those little book cards. Sigh.

2. There was a relatively small freestanding shelf with “New Books” near the bathrooms. Well, Trish and I looked at the entire shelf and we didn’t see any titles we’d ever heard of. Not even the big best-sellers from the previous year. And while I have absolutely nothing against the smaller, lesser-known books (in fact I prefer them to best-sellers), it was disappointing to realize that no titles, no covers, nada, pulled me in. They looked dumb. Dumb new books no one cares about. By the bathroom, no less. Grab a crappy book, go take a crap. See how well this whole arrangement can work? Wow!

3. I underestimated my own “skeeved” factor. I am not a germaphobe. At least, I don’t think I am. I do wash my hands a whole lot, and usually even do the dorky “soap up for 15-20 seconds” every time because I want to do it RIGHT, but still… I can usually function in public pretty well without having to go scrub my hands till they’re raw after touching a shopping cart. But as I left with my first-checked-out, hardcover book in my hands, I realized I was going to have a tough time reading it. Why? Well, it FELT like hundreds of grubby hands had held the book before me. I just keep thinking about that, and how most people are dirty sons a bitches and I’ll bet half of them sat there, picking their noses or reading the book on the toilet…the same book I now have in my possession. I guess all these years of buying and reading my own, personal, exclusive copies of all those books really spoiled me. Now I feel kind of dirty whenever I touch that book. I have been breathing through my mouth around the book, for fear that I will catch a whiff of a skeevy past-borrower smell. I don’t really know how I am going to read a library book in the lunchroom while I eat lunch. I feel pouty and whiney about this, but damned if it isn’t bugging the crap out of me.

I guess the best part of this whole library experience happened on Saturday. I sprawled out, ready to begin reading this book (dirty pages be damned), when something really stupid became painfully obvious. It turns out that I was not reading what I thought I was reading. Rather than checking out “Watership Down,” I had checked out “Tales from Watership Down.” Which is something altogether different.

"Watership Down," the classic, was written in the late 1950s. "Tales from Watership Down" was written in 1996. And it’s basically a collection of rabbit folklore tales, or something. It talks about what happened after some climatic battle in "Watership Down."

It’s utterly useless to me. This does not help me along in my goal of reading "Watership Down." At ALL.

So, now I have to return the stupid, grubby book. I guess I didn’t realize the two books weren’t one in the same, because I think I assumed that “Tales from Watership Down” was the full name of “Watership Down.” You know, how sometimes we don’t call books by their full titles when they include extraneous things like “tales from”… now, of course, I can’t think of any examples of this, but still… I like to think it’s clear how I could have made this mistake.

I want to like the library. I do. I want to save book-buying dollars, and I want to support the library. But so far, it feels like a struggle. And a disappointment.
Stupid half-assed libraries. I’m going to go on my lunch hour and spit into the book drop.

It's been awhile since Malcolm has been on this page, so there he is. My little guy.

Lately I have realized how old he really is. He is very skittish now, because he can't hear and his vision is fading. As soon as he is touched, he flinches and drops almost flat to the ground. He can't hear you coming. I try very hard to give him advance notice if I am going to pet him, by waving my hand in front of him or just waiting until he looks up and sees me there.

He's also scared of shadows. He was in the yard this morning and I walked towards him, and my shadow fell over him, and he hit the deck as if he were thinking, "What the fuck was THAT?!" Then, when he realized it was only me, he reared back and ran towards me like a happy little rabbit.

The thing that is probably the most telling is the fact that he often seems to forget what he is doing or what is going on. Sometimes I can put his food down right in front of him, in the normal place I always put it, and he will not see it or smell it. If I point my finger and make him follow my finger to his bowl, suddenly he will see the food at that point and get all excited, like, "Oh, yeah! That's what I was looking for!" He also does running leaps into the house, but doesn't always judge the distance well and knocks right into the doorstep rather than making it up and through the doorway. It's sad, but kind of funny too, because he always gets right back up and hops up into the house like nothing happened. He also runs into things when he is excited, but never gets hurt... he just seems surprised that there happens to be furniture there. How dare we put a table right where he needs to run?! The nerve of us humans!

BUT...

He's still got it. He still get hyper and runs around and snorts (it sounds like a sneeze, but it's his "I'm happy" sound) and does his freeze-in-place-until-we-charge-at-him and then skitter away frantically with his tail wagging. He's always patrolling the backyard, sniffing everything and basically playing his role in our little pack.

The other day, Indy decided it was time to play with Malcolm. Malcolm does NOT play with other dogs. Not just because it doesn't seem to be in his nature to do that, but because I am over-protective as hell and stop any kind of roughhousing involving Malcolm before it gets to the point where he could be hurt. Anyway, I was sitting here at my computer, and Malcolm was just curled up on the floor across the room, resting. Indy came into the room with his toy in his mouth, his tail wagging furiously. He spotted Malcolm, and dropped his toy in front of Malcolm. When Malcolm didn't do anything, Indy did the play stance in front of him and barked. Malcolm just froze in place and stared Indy down.

Indy got up and sniffed Malcolm all over, and Malcolm did not look happy. He got up and ran into a corner, Indy right behind him. Indy tried to engage him one more time, but all Malcolm did was lift his upper lip and show his teeth a little. There was no growl, and to be honest the face he was making looked so funny it was hard not to laugh at this whole exchange. Indy was loving it, though, and egging him on even more. I could almost hear Indy going, "Come ON, let's play, old man!" and Malcolm replying back, "I don't THINK so, fool."

Finally, after a few more minutes of this, I asked Indy to leave him alone. Which he did. I could tell Malcolm was getting tired and might get cranky if Indy persisted. It was still a fantastic scene, and I was really happy to see that even with his advanced age and lack of strong interaction with the two big dogs, Indy would still very much like to bring Malcolm into the mix. I like that Indy clearly thinks Malcolm could, in fact, manage to play. I know he and Hailie are good to him, leaving him alone and never pushing him too far when they want to sniff and lick him. I just love the little dynamic the three of them having going on. It's really cool to watch.

Now that we are finally moving towards cooler weather, I am going to fix my bike (flat tire) and get riding again. And that will mean, of course, Malcolm is welcome to ride with me again in his basket if he would like to. He used to run around like a wind-up toy when he saw me pulling my bike out of the shed! He loved to go for a ride. I think he likes the wind in his white, thinning hair. Either way, as long as he seems to enjoy it, he is my co-pilot.

I don't care that he is going senile a little bit, that he is blind, deaf, and has almost no teeth left. He's still awesome. I feel really lucky to have that little freakshow guy. I love ya, Malkie. (AKA Mooka, Blue, Peachhead, Mickey-Malcolm, Milky)

WE WON!

Iowa State just beat Iowa, 15 to 13 with one second on the clock. This is HUGE in our house!!

(If someone had told me a few years ago that I'd sincerely find myself getting worked up in the fourth quarter of a college football game, I would have spit on you. But damned if my heart wasn't racing when the coach ran the clock down to 5 seconds so they could kick a 28 yard field goal and win it. Funny what a great husband will bring out in a person, I guess!)